The Ol' Factory

Smell is such a primal sense. It's like there's not much processing involved - your nose is hotwired directly to the center of your brain. If you wave a box of 64 Crayolas under the nose of your grandpa, it might instantly send his mind back to his mother's kitchen table, at age 5. If you open a container of Play-Doh near mom, she may suddenly remember combing it out of your hair while you sat in your high chair, with a Day-Glo orange grin on your face. Sometimes I can't even identify a smell, except to to say, "This place smells like my grandma's attic!"

...which is why I think candles and sprays and incense in the bathroom can be problematic.

I had a college roommate who loved to use a vanilla-scented candle in the bathroom to mask certain odors. But it didn't really make the offending odor go away, it just kind of gave it something to mingle with. And for a long time it created an association in my nose-to-brain pathway between spicy vanilla and stinky poo.

It's a dangerous game.

If you go with cinnamon, or orange, you risk recalling bowel movements at breakfast. Lavendar or rose might tell your brain that somebody dropped a deuce in the herb garden. Apple or cherry might lead your imagination to somebody taking a dump on your dessert. "Cotton" or "Fresh Linen" scent might make you think somebody crapped the bed. These are just not associations that make life better.

So I'm proposing a new line of bathroom fragrances, such as:

• Boss's Desk


• Ex's Doorstep


• Congressman's Mailbox


• The Break Room in DirecTV's Customer Service Department

Think it'll work?