The Joy of Parenthood
So many people will tell you that the best day of their life was the birth of their child. Kids bring such joy to your life. You won't know what you did before you had them. Kids are a little bit of work, but the reward is in watching them grow up - seeing their first step, hearing their first word, all the way up through their first kiss, graduation, marriage.... [sniff]... Parenthood is so beautiful....
Lies. It's a trap to brainwash you into wanting to have kids. It's some sort of evolutionary adaptation to perpetuate the species. Kids are actually parasitic little creatures that suck the life out of you. They reprogram your brain to do their bidding, and they reward you once in a while with something really cute, just to insure their continued survival.
Can you tell it's been a bad couple of days? I am obligated to disclose that I love my kids, that I'm pretty confident in my parenting skills, and they are cute and wonderful children. I'm obligated because of the mind control tactics they're using on me right now.
Here's what we've been getting for our efforts lately...
Kid #1: After I spent the morning cleaning the living room, she took every single toy out of the toybox. She went toilet snorkeling. (Use your imagination.) She dropped her glasses out the window of a moving car. She dribbled 75% of her drink down her chin and onto her shirt every time she had a drink. She made several attempts to empty the toybox a second time. Spit a lovely little fountain of medicated milk across the kitchen just before bedtime. Threw several inexplicable tantrums.
Kid #2: He picked fights where there were none. He pushed his sister numerous times, including once while she was climbing the stairs. Threw tantrums at every opportunity. (One tantrum got so ridiculous, Lori and I had to fight back laughter.) Broke every rule he could find. I can't even list them all. Lost a long succession of privileges for the day, and even dipped into tomorrow.
Whew. Let's hope bedtime has drawn it to a close.