Monday, September 18, 2006

The Joy of Parenthood

So many people will tell you that the best day of their life was the birth of their child. Kids bring such joy to your life. You won't know what you did before you had them. Kids are a little bit of work, but the reward is in watching them grow up - seeing their first step, hearing their first word, all the way up through their first kiss, graduation, marriage.... [sniff]... Parenthood is so beautiful....

Lies. It's a trap to brainwash you into wanting to have kids. It's some sort of evolutionary adaptation to perpetuate the species. Kids are actually parasitic little creatures that suck the life out of you. They reprogram your brain to do their bidding, and they reward you once in a while with something really cute, just to insure their continued survival.

Can you tell it's been a bad couple of days? I am obligated to disclose that I love my kids, that I'm pretty confident in my parenting skills, and they are cute and wonderful children. I'm obligated because of the mind control tactics they're using on me right now.

Here's what we've been getting for our efforts lately...

Kid #1: After I spent the morning cleaning the living room, she took every single toy out of the toybox. She went toilet snorkeling. (Use your imagination.) She dropped her glasses out the window of a moving car. She dribbled 75% of her drink down her chin and onto her shirt every time she had a drink. She made several attempts to empty the toybox a second time. Spit a lovely little fountain of medicated milk across the kitchen just before bedtime. Threw several inexplicable tantrums.

Kid #2: He picked fights where there were none. He pushed his sister numerous times, including once while she was climbing the stairs. Threw tantrums at every opportunity. (One tantrum got so ridiculous, Lori and I had to fight back laughter.) Broke every rule he could find. I can't even list them all. Lost a long succession of privileges for the day, and even dipped into tomorrow.

Whew. Let's hope bedtime has drawn it to a close.

8 Comments:

At 9/18/2006 9:24 PM, Blogger LauraHinNJ said...

Sounds like a character building experience for you.

I don't have kids, but as a one time teacher of little ones, I remember the tantrums and how difficult it is to hold back laughter and be serious. They're mad, gosh darnit! and you had better pay attention!

Hope tomorrow is a better day.

 
At 9/18/2006 9:28 PM, Blogger Suzer said...

Oh the lure of bedtime. The hour or two of quiet before you drop exhausted into your own bed, only to be awoken at 2:00 am by the call from a distant bedroom. I know exactly how you feel. Only all our tamtrums are now being accompianied by "I don't love you anymore." If I thought she meant it it would break my heart, but thank god she's only (nearly ) 3. I've got a good two or three more years before she starts to mean it!

 
At 9/19/2006 1:15 AM, Blogger Morgan said...

thank god for nights

 
At 9/19/2006 10:04 AM, Anonymous ca5m1th said...

Wowzer, sounds like quite a day.
Something for us to look forward to, as ours is only 15 months and still mostly cute. When he flashes the dirty look it is still difficult not to laugh. Screaming when not getting his way has only just started, and currently only lasts a minute or so. We are girding our loins for the onslaught as he gets older. Think happy thoughts and good luck!
*smiles*
cas

 
At 9/19/2006 4:00 PM, Blogger Mia said...

That which does not kill us makes us stronger, E! Hope you got a brief respite.

 
At 9/19/2006 8:34 PM, Blogger e4 said...

Thanks everybody.

Well, we instituted some rule changes today, which helped a bit. We'll see how the coming days work out.

We thought we had skipped the terrible two's. Apparently they're just a year late...

 
At 9/20/2006 8:09 AM, Blogger Suzer said...

My boss, who was a day care provider, told me there's no such thing as the terrible twos...it's really the terrible threes. She said that two year olds are cute when they are mad, three year olds are just evil! And that comes from 10 years of experience with them! So don't feel bad, your kids are right on track!

 
At 9/23/2006 8:49 AM, Blogger JBTW said...

I notice that kids are affected by changing seasons, full moons, that sort of thing. I hope that's what it is, for your sake -- then it's a passing thing!

 

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